Here are the nuts and bolts of Fiat/Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne’s plan to revive the number three Detroit automaker, which he and the U.S. government rescued from oblivion earlier this year (my info comes from the Detroit Free Press):

“Marchionne is to present a five-year plan to the company’s board of directors Friday. If the board approves, he will submit the plan to President Barack Obama’s auto task force next week, said company insiders.

“Marchionne wants face-lifts of at least five models by mid-2011. These include the Chrysler Town & Country and Dodge Caravan minivans and the Dodge Caliber, Jeep Compass and Jeep Patriot compact crossover utility vehicles. Chrysler also will revamp its iconic PT Cruiser.”

New T&C: Good! This is the undisputed god of minivans and a vehicle upon which rests Chrysler’s fine reputation with families everywhere. Dodge Caliber: Small and cheap! Otherwise, not such a great car, but…small and cheap! Need that these days. New Jeeps: Excellent! Chrysler is toast without Jeep, its best brand.

And then, we hear of the revamped PT Cruiser, a signature Chrysler car that hasn’t been redesigned…well, ever. I know this sounds great, but the PT Cruiser is, I’m sorry to say, the absolute worst car ever created. I try not to allow my personal biases to interfere with my judgment of the world’s many motor cars, but when it comes to the PT, I can’t hold back. I have never driven a more dispiriting car. My mom’s Chevy Chevette was better. My 1992 Mazda 323 was better. The Dodge my brother owned that caught fire one day and was abandoned by the side of the road to burn, burn, burn was better.

For all its Bonnie-and-Clyde associations, the PT is one of those American cars that functions as catnip for Euros. In my estimation, it’s an embarrassing vehicle to be seen in. For an Italian, however, it seduces, not least because it was in part designed by Clotaire Rapaille, a French psychologist who believes that consumer behavior operates at the unconscious level. You could say he’s a complete charlatan, but he has managed to charge companies like Chrysler a ton of money for his services. And of course the PT Cruiser has sold more than a million units. Still, when designer Bryan Nesbitt, who’s now running Cadillac, jumped from Chrysler to GM, he promptly developed a much cooler ride, the Chevy HHR.

Marchionne is sharp. But there’s a reason why the PT has never been redesigned: it doesn’t need to be. It’s an awful car that people buy anyway. Shouldn’t mess with that, Sergio.

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